Dating an Older Man
So I've been living with DCG since 6/28. I went home for a week, but it's been almost a month since I moved in.DCG is in his early 40's. I'm 22. I'm looking for advice on dating older men.
DCG tells me he has this horrible fear of waitresses saying something like "Oh, you and your lovely daughter..." but that hasn't happened, and I don't know if it will. Honestly, the stares from other people haven't been as prevalent as I thought they would, and I don't think they're as prevalent as DCG thinks they are. He seems much more bothered by this than I am.
The other day we went to dinner and the waitress was talking with us. I thought she was flirting with me (I wrote my phone number on a napkin for her--she hasn't called... yet), but DCG was convinced she was "playing the 'Guess This Couple's Relationship' game." I never know what to say when he says things like this except silly comments like "Don't be ridiculous"... because... he's not being ridiculous.
What am I supposed to say to allay his fears? And what do I say or do should (gods forbid) the waitress/check-out lady/bartender/whoever actually says something like "You and your daughter..."?
Our age difference doesn't bother me, like I thought it might. I don't want it to bother him, either. Sometimes, I know it does. I was telling him some story and he made a reference to the Roman conquest of Gaul (yes, I obsessively looked it up so that next time I'll know what the hell he's talking about!) that was completely over my head. He gave me this look like I'm 12 and don't know shit about shit and what the hell's he doing talking to me, anyway? Those moments, luckily, are fairly rare. I'm incredibly well-read, in the process of becoming formally educated, always self-educating, and, at the risk of sounding unforgivably arrogant, smarter than everyone else. I can keep up... usually.
There was only one time when our age difference did bother me. That was when I went to meet his family for lunch and I heard his niece (who is older than I am) call him "Uncle -----." I don't know why, but it startled me and shook me up a bit. I recovered quickly, and have threatened to call DCG "Uncle -----," much to his chagrin.
The area where I thought our age difference would be most prominent has turned out to be such a wonderful surprise. We're at it at least twice a day, and he's very attentive to what I like and don't like, what drives me crazy, how to get me to make my "O" face. I think that he gets tired fairly quickly, and once he's done, he's done for at least an hour. But he makes me feel so incredible... I can't even describe it.
Anyway, now that I'm all hot and bothered I'm going to wrap this up and go... uhm... take a shower. Yeah... But I know that I'm not the only young woman who's dating an older man. Ladies, help! What do I do? What should I know about? What should I be prepared for?
posted by Samantha @ 12:36 PM
91 Comments:
I say once you get through the sex faze of the relationship you will both start to realize that the age difference is too great. There is really nothing you can or should do....you're 22 and you should be allowed to evolve naturally. You have your whole life to grow up, why rush it?
I am DCG's age. I have "flings" with people your age. As far as a long term relationships go I stick with people my own age. A twenty year age difference is too great to really sustain a working relationship. It is fine for a short term fun "fling".
I'm not trying to grow up, I am just trying to be myself. Saying that "the age difference is too great" is a catch-all that doesn't mean shit. If you're going to give me advice, at least give me some concret examples of things that aren't going to work.
For example, I was worried about our tastes in music. But I'm worried aboubt that in every relationship because I'm not a typical 22 year old in that I listen to show tunes and jazz and big band. DCG isn't into the jazz so much, but the show tunes certainly. We sing together!
I'm not trying to grow up or rush anything. I am just trying to be myself and let DCG be himself. So far, it seems to be working and we both seem to be happy. So instead of ragging on us all the time, why don't you guys do something constructive like give me an idea of the reasons why your personal long term relationships with people of a dramatically different age than yourself didn't work out. Give me a heads up so that I know what to look for.
There's no advice to give. You are simply at different points in your life. Seeing as he's totally hooked on you and you are seeing other guys, I really don't see this going anywhere good. Most men that want to hook up with girls that are young enough to be their daughters do it because women their own age won't tolerate them.
hi samantha,
I dated and lived with a man 26 years my senior .. for SEVEN years. My family was mortified. I was happy. Instead of worrying about the generation gap and what people thought, we found it entertaining. I guess we both liked the shock value. (here is where I add, he looked much older than he was too). As time went on, he stopped doing things with me. I thought it was the age difference but it really was smoking. He had quit when we met but starting sneaking again and lying to me and not spending time with me because if with me, he couldn't smoke, right? That was the demise of our relationship. If not for that, I'd be going on year eleven.
So don't worry about the age difference. If it works for you, enjoy it. But you do need to review a few things for the long term:
1) does the difference really bother you? deep down? If it does, you might uninvolve yourself before it gets too deep, and
2) his added years exponentially increase the odds of you needing to care for him as an elderly man. Are you willing?
If you can get past those two issues (I did and was willing, mine was good to me and if not for the smoking .... anyway, we are still in touch occasionally), then you're good to go!
The smoking bothered me because he was already older than me and the smoking was intentionally shortening his life! The lying and sneaking hurt too.
I still get teased regularly about liking older men. I just laugh with them. It wasn't an age issue, it was WHO HE WAS. People that didn't meet him or see us together, don't get that. (those that did just thought us a normal couple).
Oh, and at the time, I was years ahead of my biological age as far as maturity was concerned. Can't say the same for myself now ...
Good Luck!
EB72
The point about the Roman conquest of Gaul wasn't really an age issue, it was more suprise that you didn't know that. It was more surprising, actually, because those moments of mutual incomprehension are so darn rare that they catch me offguard.
I'm not actually bothered by others' reactions; I'm mostly amused and curious as to what their take is on it.
I think EB72 has some good points. Fortunately I'm taking very good care of myself and likely to live to a very old and healthy age.
Thanks, EB. Two very good things to think about. I love it when you leave comments for me, you are always so insightful :) I am sorry to hear that you and your older man didn't work out, but inspired by the fact that you made it seven years.
I've never had a boyfriend that much older, but I know some women who had long, happy relationships with men approximately 20 years older than them.
The thing is not to get hung up on the age thing. It's about treating each other like human beings. The problems EB had with her guy had nothing to do with the age difference--any guy lying and sneaking around would have been a problem.
If you like DCG enough to be with him, you'll be with him and age won't be an issue. If age is an issue, it will just be one of many.
Good luck you crazy kids. :)
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I don't have a personal experience to share but a friend of mine who is 22 is dating/living with her bf who is 28. Yes not much of an age diff but from my pt of view, outsiders stance, both are in different stages of their lives, I love my gf to death but she has to make her own choices and mistakes.
She is just starting to figure out where she is in the world. He has already done that and is ready to settle down for marriage/kids etc.
They are constantly at their wits end with each other because both are in different aspects of life, although they are only 6 years apart.
So my take is, that age is just a number. It only depends on what brought you together, your likes, where you both want to be in the next few years etc etc.
Am I making sense??
Oh one more thing, we can never judge what makes a relationship work for people, I learnt that a few years ago from a couple's therapist.
His example was, that he had a couple, who were divorced, but living together under the same roof for the sake of their kids, and still dating other people, dad lived in the basement suite downstairs but shared meals with the family everynight. This arrangement worked for them and we have no right to judge its merits. Hence when people make comments like what was said by wildchild, its pretty much out of line, if it works for you and DCG, then good for you guys. Right?
Thanks, C77 :)
decide for yourself: are you buying a car or choosing flowers? if you want a car, you'll want something that lasts and is durable. if flowers, then something beautiful. flowers fade, of course, but they are no less beautiful for fading.
in the end, it doesn't matter. even cars run down. you won't get to keep him forever, and he won't get to keep you. you will get old, too, even though you will not feel old. what do you want to look back on when you are old, that you had one or two really durable cars, or that you loved a flower once?
Samantha is not buying a car. She's renting. Her title is "Dating an Older Man" not Marrying....
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Nice blog... as her roomie, let me allay your 40 fears. All is well in sobriety-land, although it pretty much sucks for me. The hottie OB-GYN wouldn't take the stiches out, but her GP would.... and the scar is is healing nicely.
I know I am really late here. ButI was just 22 dating a 40 year old. (I turned 23 on the 20th of July) and well he like your guy, was a bit hung up on the age difference. And it does get annoying because when you have an arguement it is "Well I have been around longer than you" or something retarded like that and he always felt compelled to give me advice. I mean it would be one thing if I asked. But I didn't! But we also had the race thing. He was Italian and I am black. So it was a bit of a task getting dressed for dates. I didn't want to look hired, you know?
quit taking my comment off.... unless the truth scares you.
Hi Sam:
First of all, let me just say I'm kind of agnostic on the issue of Older Men/Younger Women. Notice I said 'kind of.' But all in all, I am inclined to say that it's quite alright. Lemme try to explain: at 28 I was dating an 18 year-old; at 30 I was dating a 21 year-old; at 33 I was dating another 21 year-old. And at 37 I married a 30 year-old. So, as you see, I've always gone for younger women. And, if I were to become single again right now, I would probably date younger women again, although I don't know that, at 48, I'd date anyone younger than mid to late twenties. But in general, I tend to agree with Alicia: Age Ain't Nothing But A Number. If you love someone, like someone, care for and about someone, it shouldn't matter that much about the age differences.
But...
If you end up with - and I mean to include marrying - a man significantly older than you, well into his forties or fifties, there is the near-certainty that he will die before you, that you will be a widow. And if you should choose to have children by him, those kids will quite possibly not get to have their dad walk them down the aisle or hug them at their college graduation. And even if he lives into an old age, he will likely end up being infirm just as you are entering the prime of your life. Those shouldn't be the only thing you consider, but they are not inconsequential. They matter, and since others have mentioned them, too, you'd be well-advised to give consideration to that.
But, in the end, you and he have to decide if your relationship fulfills your needs: physical, emotional, spiritual. If it does, then I'd say you shouldn't run away, just because he's older. See where it goes.
But, if it doesn't work out, for future reference, I offer this: my not-at-all cut and dried theory/formula for what I would suggest as a good age difference between younger women/older men. Starting at 18 years of age and up, I would take half her age and add it to her age. So for an 18 year-old, I'd add 9 years and say that 27 would be a good age for her older guy. For a 22 year-old, I'd add 11 years, and her ideal older man would be 33. For a 30 year old, her ideal older man would be 45. It's not a hard and fast rules, but it sounds right to me.
I do wish you well. And BTW, I would have written you a longer email in response, but I didn't see you email address on your blog. If you should wish to email me, my address is on my blog. Take care.
A few years ago, when I was 37, I dated a 21 year old that I had known since she was in high school( she worked at a sandwich shop I frequented). We use to chat and talk and I use to give her advice on her boyfriend issues. Never did I know she had a secret crush on me. Going through a divorce, I met her when she was 21 and she gave me her number (i was stunned and flattered). She had a boyfriend in the navy back east and was lonely. We dated for about a year and it was the best romance ever. We actually had a lot in common, but I knew deep inside she loved her boyfriend. Was it a faze? Probably, but I didn't care. She'll be a chapter in my life that I'll always cherish. Every guy looks for his "Catherine Zeta-Jones" and mine just had a boyfriend. take care and good luck.
I think a relationship should not be based on how old a person's partner is. Through the years, people have become more understanding about modern romance. However, a relationship is definitely bound to face every obstacle in life including instances that might cause it to end. Be strong.
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we have an extra problem to cope with hoever.....he has 3 children one of whom lives with him full time. normally this wouldnt bother me as i'm ok around kids, i have a 4 year old sister, howver the child that lives with him isnt really a child anymore, she's nearly 15!
when we are alone, like when his daughter's at school, things are amazing and we have the best time evre, i dont even notice that he is older than me, becasue he's a bloke so his mental age is alot younger!! ha ha
however i get really nervous around his daughter and she knows it...she is cool and really doesnt have a problem about it, she just chats away as if i'm one of her mates. it still makes me feel uneasy tho!
i know the age factor bothers him in the sense that he thinks it would be a lot easier if i were a few years older, but then the times where this does arise in coversation it is dropped very quickly becasue we realise we are both stupid to think that way...we really like each other so why shouldnt we be together!!
god knows how i will break the news to my mum, she's only 38 herself!
all in all i think we could havea really good realtionship as long as i can learn to relax around his kids!
alot of my friends think a 14 year age gap is way too big but i dont....just wondered what other people thought????
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I don´t think anyone should get "too" attached at your age. You should go out and date and see different people. I´m single and I´m loving it, my latest interest is the singlering, www.singelringen.com. Check it out, and good luck whatever you choose to do:)
If you ever visit Orlando, Florida check out The House - an Orlando Swingers Club.
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Amazing Article. You should be one of our product reviewers. Shoot me an email if you want at wross@bettersex.com
Hi everyone,
I just designed a new dating website that I hope you will enjoy. It will go live in about 2 months.
Meet-n-speak.com
I put a new twist to online dating--the ability to speak to other members--right from your own computer.
If you find someone you like, you can request to voice chat with them if they are online.
All you need is a mic and headphones.
There is no cost. Ever! 100% free.
check it out!
Again, I am going live in 2 months but I want to have members create their profiles beforehand.
Thanks!
Excellent Blog!
I feel age is not that important in relationships.
The key to fostering a long-term relationship that not only survives through the years, but thrives, is communication!
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All you mentioned are true but sometimes, LOVE is TOO STRONG to control your feelings. You may have reasons to engage yourself into a relationship such as this - having a bf or gf older or younger than you are but the thing is, it's all about the commitment and the chemistry of handling a good relationship. These are natural reasons but there's always a deeper basis once you are in that relationship. Just a thought. Thanks for the blog :)
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To avoid scam in online dating...
Please check the following on online dating sites:
1. must have telephone number.
2. must have email address
3. must have photos and nickname
4. DON'T GIVE MONEY !
and most of all, the most important.
5. it must be free!
I'll give you some of online dating sites that are offering totally free.
http://www.filipina4friends.com
http://www.darlingasian.com
http://www.beautifulfilipina.info
I hope this will help.
Thanks
With an age gap that big after you get over the great sex you WILL get bored. You should meet a cute guy who is closer to your own age. That way at least the relationship has a chance
This is a great blog,this website provides very useful tips.we are going to add it to out free dating website and college information blog dating website .http://www.universityloveconnection.com/blog so our visitors can read your news,as you are a reputable source.Thanks for dating website.
as long as you feel he's the one for you, you don't need to care about anything else.
Thanks a lot for leaving information for advising on old man dating.How to attract women
Dating older men has its perks, its all down to the individual! If you are tired of the immature 20 year old... why not try 35+??? No harm done!
One of the most interesting and worth reading blog I read.
Since you are still on dating status, then you still have the time to evaluate your life with him. You need to test yourself if its love you truly feels. If you love a person then you can set aside what others felt about your relationship with older guy.
I like to see your posting. If you want to do online dating with sugar daddy then you may explore for dating sugar daddy.
A senior person dating a younger person or oldies going out with their same age group is not new
to the sight of many. It is an accepted fact like same sex dating. Anyway, Most people living abroad and at the age of 50 and above are usually divorced or single parents,
while seldom are purely single or without kids. Most of them are financially stable, devoting
much of their lives working and preparing for future retirement. Later on, they realise is not too
late to go out on dates once again, engage into a serious relationship as well as find someone
special to spend the rest of their lives with.
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